The Audit of the Wait: When the Beast Arrives Early

I’m not even going to lie—I have been hoping, praying, wishing, and plotting on the Beast Mega 1200 Stainless Steel blender for an entire year. I spent twelve months procrastinating, and when I finally let my finger click that "Buy Now" button on Wednesday, I expected nothing but sunshine.

Then, I saw the delivery date: May 15th.

I was frustrated. I was ready to launch this series, and now I was stuck in a two-week holding pattern. I even had a long debate with Frank about it, and he convinced me it was better to just wait so I’d be one of the first people with the stainless steel model. But then, the Auditor in me took over. I logged back on to show a friend, and the site said if I ordered now, it would arrive by May 7th.

Excuse me? They hadn't even charged my card or shipped the first one. So, I did the logical thing: Canceled. Re-purchased. Boom. May 7th was the new target.

The Visit from "Her"

I went to bed feeling like a winner, but I didn't go to bed alone. "She" showed up. You know the one—the monthly guest who has been taking all my testosterone and giving nothing but attitude in return. We are not getting along lately. By Friday, I was essentially one with my heating pad and sucking down Ibuprofen just to function. I was lost in a fog of hormonal agony, wondering why the uterus doesn't just fall out and go away when you're done with it. I’m ready to end this relationship, for real.

By Saturday, I was still feeling rough, and to add insult to injury, a toothache started joining the party. But when my friend Manouka called to ask if I wanted to do some "40-year-old errands," my heart said yes even if my body said, "Bitch, what the fuck?" I told her, "Look, I feel dead inside, but I need to get out of this house. Just drive me around."

The 40-Year-Old Circuit

We started at the Starbucks off Woodard Road. Now, look—they take three business years to make a cup of coffee, but it is the only location for miles and the drink is always "awesome sauce." It’s the only one that hits right besides Brandywine and Forestville. Upper Marlboro? You’re almost there, but not quite.

Then came the retail therapy. We hit Hobby Lobby—40% off the whole store—and I found some paint-by-numbers canvases for me and the kids. We wandered, we texted each other from opposite sides of the store, and I watched her find a vase for her upcoming bridal shower. I am so excited for her to have this "daughter experience."

Next was Bath & Body Works. Usually, I’m a $200-a-trip kind of girl, but being "responsible" (which sucks, by the way) meant I walked out with just a glass foaming soap bottle, a refill, and one three-wick candle. It felt like an embarrassing amount, but I haven't had a candle in this house for a month. I needed the scent of sanctuary.

The Ring Alert (The Plot Twist)

While we were out, my Ring camera went off. I figured it was just the mouth tape and Bio-Dance masks I’d ordered. But I watched the video. Then I watched it again. By the third time, the camera finally focused on the box sitting on my porch.

BEAST.

The delivery man knew exactly what he was doing, because seeing those letters on the box was better than any retail therapy. I didn't even tell Manouka yet; I just stood there in the Home Store in disbelief. I walked through the aisles taking pictures of pots for my future peonies—because peonies take the cake over hydrangeas any day—and started planning how I was going to decorate.

Turning 40 felt like a shift. My mind, spirit, and soul have been working to right some wrongs. I’ve dealt with transitional relationships and the loss of a friend I thought loved me. But in that store, looking at those flowers and thinking about my new blender, I started to feel like me again.

The Maiden Voyage

I sped home in the Cadillac EXT (or at least, I did a very focused 40mph on those windy backroads). I called the kids, and I heard the door fly open as Leia Moon ran to grab the box.

The minute I walked in, it was go-time. I didn't have the pistachios yet, so I went for a classic: oat milk, cocoa powder, protein powder, almond butter, and maple syrup. I made one for me and one for my daughter. That shake was so good it almost made me forget about the toothache.

I capped the day off at a "Waiting to Exhale" women's event. We vented, we cried, we sang, and we just loved on each other. Coming home to cuddle with Frank was the only way to end that kind of day.

The Sunday Perspective

Sunday was for family and the shop. But the highlight was a "date-date" stop on the way to visit a friend. Frank sat me down in this beautifully decorated chair and started taking pictures. I was so tired I didn't even look at them. I just said, "Okay babe, I'm done."

He asked, "Do you even like them?"

I looked at the screen and realized my husband is actually a low-key professional photographer. I looked good. I’m still staring at them today, trying to figure out the perfect Instagram caption.

It’s been an adventure of a weekend—ER visits, hormonal shifts, and retail therapy. But the Beast is finally in the building. Get ready, because the "Oat Milk Audit" starts now.